woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
