"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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