i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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