My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
