I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.