Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.