if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy