Having a random hookup so left but love u
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.