Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
