So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
