did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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