They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
