We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
