I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
