Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
