i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my phone needs a breathalizer
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
this beer tastes like vomit already
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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