I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
