Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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