Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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