Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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