Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
