no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
