you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
