the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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