can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more