His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"