the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
there's paper in my vomit.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
