I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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