Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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