I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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