i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
