he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.