Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So vagazzling was a success
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.