how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
