Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
