I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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