you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
