I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
