Who wears a wallet chain?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
