I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize