i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
