Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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