I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
