I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
