I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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