Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
