you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
