This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
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