what day is it and did you see me today?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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