Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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