Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
