im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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