But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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