God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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