We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
