having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
