just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
