she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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