On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
