My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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